Our story of loss, hope and happiness

I haven’t told the whole story in years. I’ve somehow managed to split the journey in two – the dark period before Margs and the happy period after. There was just so much awful stuff before baby girl that on some level I needed to make that distinction so that I didn’t have to continue facing the details of what exactly happened to us and how ridiculously difficult and unfair our journey to becoming parents to an earthly child was.

I wrote a post about feeling like my family was not complete months ago without really explaining the difficulties I face. I’ve spent weeks analyzing options and scenarios and unfortunately I’m no closer to making a decision than I was before. It did however occur to me that many of you fine folks have only gotten bits and pieces of the story and probably think I’m crazy for being so scared. Again, I’ve intentionally avoided sharing the whole story because it sucks and it hurts and most days I’m perfectly content pretending it didn’t really happen (not the most effective way of dealing with grief – I know).

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So, can I tell you a story? Can I tell you about my babies?

In 2012 I got pregnant- it wasn’t a planned pregnancy because Mer and I were still sorting out our financials in anticipation of starting a family but we were thrilled regardless. At 12 weeks we found out we were expecting twins which left us amazed and terrified. We soon got to work preparing for our babies – 2 cribs, 2 car seats, 2 bouncers – you get the drift. By the time I was 18 weeks pregnant we essentially had everything in order because we were having twins and had been warned that it could be a difficult pregnancy and we should anticipate preparing for them early – if we only knew.

At 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant I woke up to spotting. I called my hospital triage who told me to take a shower and lay down but present to triage if it persisted. I had an appointment for my anatomy scan later that afternoon and figured I’d mention it then if it persisted. Later that morning, the bleeding intensified – we were scared and so we chose to head to the hospital to get checked out. The details of that day are pretty hazy now but I believe they gave me a urine test (which came back negative) and sent me home with orders to rest and that ultimately bleeding “sometimes” happens. They didn’t check my cervix which I’ve learned is standard procedure in twin pregnancies after the 20 week mark.

We headed home where we ate pogos (I haven’t eaten once since) and discussed how thankful we were that the bleeding was “normal” and nothing “significant”. I remember saying to Mer “Phew, I’m so glad they are okay – I cannot imagine losing them now”.

Later that afternoon we headed to my scheduled appointment for our anatomy scan where we were super excited to find out if the twins were girls or boys (our attitude about scans and such has changed so so much since then). Little did we know our life was about to change forever.

I remember things like “the babies looks so good”, “I want to do a vaginal u/s to check but I’d never forgive myself if your water breaks”, “it’s really too too bad”.

We had no idea what was going – we had no idea what was about to happen. We had no idea that this was the beginning of the end.

With orders to head back to the hospital Mer and I loaded ourselves into the car and drove back to the hospital that had sent me home earlier that morning with nothing to worry about. This time, they were waiting for me and put me into a bed immediately.

I spent the next 3 days in trendelenburg position, meaning I was laying head down with my feat well above my head hoping that my membranes would recede.

Oh, did I forget to tell you that part? I was 4cm dilated with bulging membranes the day of our scan.

On the second day at the hospital my doctor came to visit. She sat by my bedside and told me it wasn’t good. She explained that I had 2 choices – 1) I could opt to terminate the pregnancy or 2) agree to be transferred to another hospital facility with a neonatal intensive care unit where I’d stay on bed rest until the babies came.

We opted for a transfer.

After arriving at the new facility I had a team of perintologists examine me and explain my harsh new reality. I was essentially in pre-term labor, my cervix was too weak to hold my babies in and that we could try prolonged bed rest but that decision came with risks of infection and septicemia. There were no other options because at 4cm dilated any of the emergency procedures they could have tried would have either ruptured my membranes or resulted in infection.

We opted to take the risk and have me hospitalized to basically wait out the rest of my pregnancy hanging upside down.

After two days of waiting, praying and waiting some more the twins decided that it was time.

We were escorted down to the specialized birthing unit where moms are giving birth to babies who will die (it sounds harsh but it’s the truth). I believe there were 6 of us there at the same time and by a complete accident I ended up connecting with one of the other moms a year later. The universe is weird that way.

I labored for approximately 4 hours and our precious little girls were born.

Both babies were born alive although by legal standards they are considered a “stillbirth”. Mer held them both as they took their last breaths. I remember this moment vaguely (I was sedated with large amounts of Ativan at the time) although Mer reminds me often that I held both their little hands and sang to them.

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3 weeks later I hemorrhaged and nearly lost my life and had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding.

I got pregnant again 6 months later. A second set of twins. We were optimistic since I’d found a phenomenal new doctor who had an amazing plan to keep me pregnant. I found out that we’d lost the that set of twins at around 7 weeks pregnant and had another D&C because my body wouldn’t miscarry on its own.

The next 18 months were spent having surgery after surgery. I was diagnosed with a septate uterus, ashermans syndrome and the MTHFR gene.

Basically my uterus was misshapen and full of scars which I was told was likely going to leave me infertile because of the D&Cs. I was told not to get my hopes up.

I got pregnant again in the summer of 2014 and miscarried days after finding out.

By 2015 after trying to get pregnant for nearly a year, Mer and I started exploring other options. We either needed to come to terms with being child free or look into adoption aggressively. At our ages and with the wait period involved in an international adoption we knew we needed to figure out what our life path would be.

In the meantime I was working and trying to put all these hardships behind me. Then, in April 2015 I found out I was pregnant with Margs.

The world stopped and I gave up my career, my graduate program and my life in the real world so I could gestate this tiny baby. I did not believe for one minute that we’d get to bring her home and as each day passed I mentally prepared myself for it being the last. The odds were stacked against us but by some form of an enormous miracle she’s here and she’s safe.

It took me 67 days to write this post start to finish. I completely underestimated the power of words – this has been the most difficult piece of writing I’ve written for TTBH and most days I wiped away tears as I typed. Words hurt and are so liberating at the same time.

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225 Comments

  1. February 27, 2017 / 7:58 am

    Thank you for sharing this very powerful and raw post. You have been through so much, I cannot even fathom. May you only have good health and happiness in the future.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:21 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words! ❤

  2. February 27, 2017 / 8:03 am

    So very sorry for your losses. Sharing your story must have been very hard, at the same time I hope it’s helped you in some small way to let it out.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:21 pm

      It is very hard but I feel better knowing it’s all out there. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment Tara! ❤

  3. February 27, 2017 / 8:05 am

    You have such a strong story to tell. Thank you for sharing. I wish you all well.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:20 pm

      Thank YOU for reading ❤

  4. February 27, 2017 / 8:10 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I ma so sorry you went through so much pain and heart break. What a perfect little miracle your baby girl is.

    We couldn’t get pregnant. Nobody knows why – every test ran was perfectly normal. Going through infertility is a roller coaster ride of emotions I don’t wish on anyone. In the end, it never worked and we chose adoption which brought our little Wyatt to us.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:20 pm

      So glad Wyatt came into your lives! It really isn’t something I’d wish on anyone – I unfortunately understand exactly what you mean. It’s really so so unfair.

      Thank you so so much for reading and sharing your story with me. ❤

  5. February 27, 2017 / 8:11 am

    So much love for your family. I think I’ve told you before we also had four miscarriages before we got pregnant with our daughter, who was born at 24 weeks and spent three months in out local NICU.

    I’m writing about our experience and I’ve had to stop many times because the memory of the fear and grief was still so strong, it has stopped me in my tracks.

    It is such an incredibly raw and difficult time, I am so grateful you felt comfortable sharing with us. Thank you and my love to you all.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:19 pm

      Yes we’ve spoken about it before I believe. You are amazing lady!

      Writing it does really help. It’s hard to do and I stopped many many times along the way but it feels good to have it all in one place.

      Thank you for taking the time to read ❤

  6. February 27, 2017 / 8:16 am

    Thanks for sharing this story with us. I’m sorry for your losses. I had a baby girl who passed away just days after her birth at 34 weeks old. It is hard to write it down, but also freeing in a way. 💓

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:18 pm

      I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss <3 Writing it down does help. Thinking of you!

  7. February 27, 2017 / 9:08 am

    Amazing story and beautifully written.
    Wishing luck and happiness for you all.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:18 pm

      Thank you so so much! ❤

  8. February 27, 2017 / 9:10 am

    Reblogged this on Amused & Bemused and commented:
    A powerful and beautifully written account of a couple’s experience in having children.
    Compelling reading.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:18 pm

      Thank you so so much for the love! ❤

  9. Philip
    February 27, 2017 / 9:11 am

    Sorry for the loss you have suffered. My wife and I have been trying for over 3 years now, with a few losses. It is something I never thought I could endure but somehow you find a way to wake up the next day. No happy ending for us yet, starting IUI this month so we are ‘hopeful’.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:17 pm

      I’m so sorry for your struggles. Crossing my fingers that the IUI brings you your rainbow! Have you been given any explanation for the repeat losses?

      • Philip
        February 27, 2017 / 1:40 pm

        Thank you Jenny 🙂 We did not get any concrete answer. The best guess was a buildup of fluid in the fallopian tubes. My wife had laparoscopic surgery to decide wether to remove the tubes or not, we were lucky enough to be able to keep both tubes as there was no fluid just a kink.

        • February 27, 2017 / 1:47 pm

          Has she had a saline ultrasound?

  10. February 27, 2017 / 9:18 am

    Sometimes writing it down is part of the medicine required. Horrible journey for you but a happy ending 😊 xx

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:17 pm

      It really is! Thank you for taking the time to read! ❤

  11. February 27, 2017 / 9:21 am

    Thank you for being brave enough and strong enough to share your story of loss. It gives hopes.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:16 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words!

  12. February 27, 2017 / 9:43 am

    Your story is beautifully hard. I’m so sorry you experienced this! I hope that you were able to get a little bit of comfort in sharing yours and your babies story. I know as a mother whos experienced multiple losses, I feel and share your grief. ♡ Have a beautiful day!

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:16 pm

      I surely did. I’m very glad that I’ve shared it and put it out there. Thank you so so much for taking the time to read and for your kind words! ❤

  13. February 27, 2017 / 9:51 am

    I can’t believe how incredibly hard that must have been for you! So sad! I am so happy for your little girl in your life! Thank you for sharing your story.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:16 pm

      Thank you Amy! Margs is our world ❤

  14. February 27, 2017 / 10:10 am

    your words have moved me to tears. I too have lost babies but have never had to deliver, I can’t imagine what you have been through. Hugging my son sometimes makes me cry thinking of those hands I’ve never held – once or twice he has wiped them away and smiled at me, in a way I think he understands more than you would think. thank you so much for sharing x

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:15 pm

      I don’t often talk about the delivery part of it because honestly what can you really say ya know? I was basically delivering babies that I knew would either have passed or would pass shortly after birth. It’s really quite surreal.

      Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading ❤

  15. February 27, 2017 / 10:10 am

    Also, Jenny, this may or may not comfort you, but when we had suffered so many losses, reading this gave me a great deal of comfort.

    https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/your-babys-leftover-dna-is-making-you-stronger/381140/

    In short, it says that research finds that the DNA of your pregnancies becomes part of you, staying in your body and blood and joining in future pregnancies. For me, it meant in some way, the babies we lost live on in me and our children. The thought of it gave me some peace when I needed it the most.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:14 pm

      I have seen this and while I read it I felt at peace I guess that although they are not here physical world they will always be part of me. It’s really quite amazing.

  16. February 27, 2017 / 10:13 am

    This is such a powerful story of loss and suffering, but also of the strength of a mother. Thank you for your courage in sharing.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:13 pm

      Thank you for reading Amy ❤

  17. February 27, 2017 / 10:29 am

    ((HUGS)) to you for sharing such a difficult story. I am so sorry for your losses and joyful with you for your precious baby girl.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:13 pm

      Thank you so much Beth ❤

  18. February 27, 2017 / 10:32 am

    I found this incredibly touching and beautifully written. This hits close to home as I lost a little angel before my two that I have now. It was such a painful time and I appreciate your strength in sharing your story.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:13 pm

      I’m so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing ❤

  19. February 27, 2017 / 10:49 am

    thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. I hope there was some cathartic or therapeutic elements amongst what must have been a very painful experience in recounting the experience. Loss is such an important thing to share because it is so common, and yet feels so isolating. Your story will help many people feel less alone. X

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:12 pm

      It is far too common and not talked about nearly enough. Thank you for your kind words ❤

  20. February 27, 2017 / 10:54 am

    Jenny, thank you. I think it’s so important that we share our experiences, no matter how painful. It helps us manage our fears, our grief. And, as a blogger with a following like yours, it will also help so many more women who have gone through, or will go through the hell you’ve experienced. Blessings to you and your little angels in the ether, and to those here on earth. I love your blog. I’m so glad you found me so that I could find you.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:12 pm

      Thank you so much Dana! ❤

  21. February 27, 2017 / 11:09 am

    Thank you so much for sharing…what a touching blog, beautifully written. Thank you, I’m sure this will touch many hearts.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:11 pm

      ❤ Thank you for your kind words.

  22. February 27, 2017 / 11:46 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. Words are incredibly powerful & can be healing too. We are coming up on our first born’s Birthday & I am 29 weeks pregnant. Kaia Gene lived for 93min at 23wks & I pray everyday to hold & watch my Mara Joy grow & grow.

    I pray too that all of her pieces are working together & functioning as needed. So far so good, but of course her heart is dextro positioned & her kidneys are unilateral.

    We never know what we’re getting into as parents do we?

    Thanks again.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:10 pm

      I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Kaia is so luck to have you as your mom ❤ Thinking of you and Mara Joy! Crossing my fingers for you and that precious baby.

  23. February 27, 2017 / 11:56 am

    So many tears reading this! You are a strong woman and a loving mama and I admire that in you so much! This resonates very deeply with me. Thank you for sharing! <3

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:09 pm

      Thank you Jessica <3 Loss moms just get it I guess. ❤

  24. Mad Girl to Made Girl
    February 27, 2017 / 12:03 pm

    This must have been so hard to write. I am so sorry for your losses. x

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:08 pm

      Thank you <3 It was probably the most difficult thing I've written so far.

  25. February 27, 2017 / 12:09 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. So much heartache “before” and so much joy “now”. I totally understand having to mentally separate it. We’ve had three early miscarriages. 🙁 Still waiting for our rainbow baby!

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:10 pm

      Thank you Lindsey.

      Have you gotten an explanation for your losses?

      Crossing my fingers that a rainbow is in your near future!

      • February 27, 2017 / 12:15 pm

        I have Polycystic Ovaries, which messes with my hormones. The levels don’t rise and fall as they should, including progesterone, estrogen, LH….meaning I don’t even ovulate on my own. My current doctor believes it was a lack of progesterone that has kept my pregnancies from continuing. We’ve started taking progesterone suppositories each cycle in hopes that will help. We’ve tried three round since November 2016, 2 with IUI without success. We are taking a month break and doing another IUI in April. I’m hopeful that low progesterone was the issue all along.

        • February 27, 2017 / 12:26 pm

          I ended up being diagnosed with PCOS when I was pregnant with Margs.

          I took 600mg of prometrium daily from the time I got my first HPT to 37ish weeks? 2 capsules AM, afternoon and bedtime.

          First, she used it to treat my low progesterone but kept me on it because it keeps the uterus and cervix happy during pregnancy.

          Have you been given metaformin?

  26. February 27, 2017 / 12:13 pm

    I absolutely love that you have opened up.. My heart aches for you and your family, but knowing you were brave enough to tell your story made me smile! <3

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:24 pm

      Thank you Mandy! ❤

  27. February 27, 2017 / 12:21 pm

    This is so difficult. We had two miscarriages before our daughter was born. If there is one thing I am grateful for it’s that we lost them so early. I cannot imagine having prepared for our babies and lost them halfway through a pregnancy. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and I am so sorry for your losses. I completely understand the fear you have trying again. It takes so much strength and to make it through TTC and a pregnancy after losing so much.

    • February 27, 2017 / 12:24 pm

      I have horrible flashbacks of what it was like after we came home from the hospital. It’s surreal – I went in pregnant and came home not pregnant with no babies and had to face a nursery. It was unreal. After 2 or 3 days I had Mer load everything up and return it to Toys R Us – the woman working there asked me why we were returning the stuff. Naturally, I burst out crying.

      I dunno, but when you see a woman who probably looks a little pregnant with puffy eyes and 9 cart loads of stuff to return there’s a pretty good change she’s returning the stuff for a really heartbreaking reason.

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and taking the time to read – it means so so much to me.

  28. February 27, 2017 / 1:06 pm

    *Tears* Thank you so much for sharing this! I have such renewed hope. Thank you. Thank you.

    • February 27, 2017 / 1:51 pm

      I was hoping you’d pop in and read this! How are you doing lady? ❤

      • February 28, 2017 / 8:28 pm

        I actually read it a few days ago in my email and was trying to comment but couldn’t find it on your blog. I was so happy when it popped up again. I’m doing well these days. Filled with new hope. Thank you again for sharing <3

        • March 1, 2017 / 6:39 am

          Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to comment. this post was actually accidentally published on Friday when it was only supposed to be made public on Monday. <3

  29. February 27, 2017 / 1:11 pm

    Such a difficult journey! My late wife Laurie wanted children but life had other ideas. Bad marriages and menopause at 27 prevented her from being a Mom. We met in our late 40s so adoption was not possible. There is no greater joy or no greater loss than that of a child. I hope all your love and blessings collaborate to make this child an amazing person!

    • February 27, 2017 / 1:50 pm

      Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your loss ❤

      • February 27, 2017 / 1:57 pm

        It is true that I lost a beautiful woman. What I gained with her in my life and the perspective I have aquired is a wonderful blessing. Remember the loss but look for blessings in the loss. Grief is personal but real joy is easily shared! Be joyful and at peace with your loss. Bless you Jenny

        • February 27, 2017 / 1:59 pm

          Thank you so much <3

  30. February 27, 2017 / 2:02 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of all your beautiful little babies. And so happy that you now have your little girl in your life. Thank you for sharing your story it was such a powerful and moving piece of writing. Thank You. I will you and your family all the best.

    • February 27, 2017 / 2:04 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and sharing these kind words with me ❤

  31. February 27, 2017 / 2:44 pm

    Jenny, I give you all the credit in the world for not only living through this trauma but sharing your story. You are strong and likely have such appreciation for every moment as a mother, good or bad. Love to you and your angels…all of them.

    • February 27, 2017 / 2:48 pm

      Thank you so so much! I try my very hardest to enjoy every single moment. <3

  32. February 27, 2017 / 3:02 pm

    What a wonderfully written post and thank you for sharing. I read with tears running down my face and feeling your pain and, later joy. It took 3 years and 1 lost baby to have my 2. So precious. Xx

    • February 27, 2017 / 3:13 pm

      So much love coming your way. Thank you for reading. 😘

  33. February 27, 2017 / 3:06 pm

    Thank you for sharing this post with us and helping to open up a dialogue on this topic. I have never gone through anything similar, but know those who have and I often don’t know what I should or could say to them. What are some good ways you wouldn’t mind someone saying to you in consolation?

    • February 27, 2017 / 3:12 pm

      Hi Paula! Thank you so much for taking the time to read 😘

      As for what to say I think your best bet is a simple I’m sorry. Often I found people were trying to make me feel better by saying things they thought might be helpful but it would add salt to an open wound ya know? The one that really upset me the most was probably “at least you can get pregnant, try again soon”. Although well meaning I personally was facing a situation where I may not be able to carry a child so it only reminded me of that.

      I might write a post about this soon because I think it’s so important.

      • February 27, 2017 / 10:19 pm

        I would also love to read a post from you on what to say.

        • February 27, 2017 / 11:06 pm

          I’ll definitely write something soon!

  34. February 27, 2017 / 3:24 pm

    💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

    • February 27, 2017 / 4:14 pm

      <3

  35. February 27, 2017 / 3:41 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

    • February 27, 2017 / 4:14 pm

      Thank YOU for reading!

  36. walttriznastories
    February 27, 2017 / 4:57 pm

    You have been through so much. I’m sure it took a great deal of strength to write this down. I’m an old man and father and you brought tears to my eyes. Have you thought of publishing these struggles to express your emotions to women experiences the same?

    • February 27, 2017 / 5:03 pm

      Hi! Thank you kindly for taking the time to read. I’ve never really thought about it actually! Maybe I should?

  37. February 27, 2017 / 5:58 pm

    Wow. That’s a tough story. I can’t begin to understand how it felt to experience such a mixture of joy and loss. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Hugs.

    • February 27, 2017 / 5:59 pm

      Thank you for reading <3

  38. February 27, 2017 / 8:11 pm

    I’m so sorry all that happened to you… It must have been traumatic and I know it will always reside within you. You are a brave woman and deserve nothing less than a big hug from everyone that you pulled through. Hugs

    • February 27, 2017 / 11:02 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read!

  39. February 27, 2017 / 9:43 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story ❤

    • February 27, 2017 / 11:02 pm

      <3

  40. February 27, 2017 / 10:14 pm

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us Jenny 🙂 I’d like to know about your support system, do you have family, friends and/or a pastor/church to help you through your grief? Did you seek out any counseling or therapy? I can’t imagine going through this myself without our faith in Jesus and finding our sanity and healing through that. I’m curious to always find out how other people are able to handle losses like this and seem to not lose their sanity. Whatever you can share I’d appreciate it, thanks.

    • February 27, 2017 / 11:06 pm

      Hey there! Thank you for popping in! 🙂

      I was set up with a therapist by the hospital where the twins were born and I worked with my therapist for the better part of 3 years. She was actually a loss mom herself which helped me enormously because in the beginning I had adopted the mindset that “nobody understood what I was going through”. She really “got it” which helped me be vulnerable and really work through it. She was also around for the losses and issues that happened afterward so it was a real blessing to have someone there and waiting on a week to week basis – especially, when things got really difficult.

      On the home front, Mer and I both have large extended families that really stepped up and supported us through the worst of it.

      It was and still is incredibly difficult. I’m not sure I’ll ever truly be “over” it – I suppose I’ve gotten to a place where I can accept it for what it is ya know?

  41. February 27, 2017 / 10:26 pm

    As soon as I saw the title of your blog post today, I knew I had to read it. Thank you so much for sharing your story, that took guts! I really hope it ultimately helped your grief to be able to express it. I admire your writing and your philosophy on life. Thank you again for sharing.

    • February 27, 2017 / 11:07 pm

      Thank YOU for taking the time to read! <3

  42. February 27, 2017 / 11:25 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I was in tears while reading. We had a difficult journey to parenthood too, but nothing like yours.

    You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but I wish I could hug you all the way from Manila.

    • February 28, 2017 / 7:05 am

      I’m so sorry you faced difficulties as well. Thank you for reading and for your kind words <3

  43. February 28, 2017 / 2:21 am

    I could not stop my tears. I want to give you a hug. I had a difficult pregnancy as I had SLE. I was so thankful with each passing day. I can understand why you pause your career and education for the baby’s sack. I did the same for my baby.

    • February 28, 2017 / 7:05 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words <3

  44. February 28, 2017 / 4:01 am

    I have had a miscarriage before I had my daughter. I still miss that baby that never had a heart beat. But, losing so many babies is something I can’t even fathom. You are strong, woman!

    • February 28, 2017 / 7:04 am

      I’m sorry for your loss. Thank YOU for reading <3

  45. February 28, 2017 / 4:11 am

    I came here to say thanks for visiting my blog, but man. This post hit me right in the feels. I just lost my twin girls at 18.5 weeks after having a surgery to help save them (they had TTTS). I know how hard it must’ve been to write this, and I know it all still sucks. So… *huuuuuug*.

    • February 28, 2017 / 7:04 am

      I’m so incredibly for the loss of your girls too. So many hugs lady, it’s so so hard. Thinking of you and your family. xo

  46. Lauren
    February 28, 2017 / 11:54 am

    thank you for sharing your story. every family has a different journey and it is incredible to hear them.

    • February 28, 2017 / 2:12 pm

      Thank you Lauren!

  47. February 28, 2017 / 12:05 pm

    Well done for sharing your story and getting through this awful experience. So glad you finally have your little one, wishing you all the best, you’re a strong mumma 💗

    • February 28, 2017 / 2:12 pm

      Thank you <3

  48. February 28, 2017 / 12:18 pm

    Such a profound personal story, I cannot imagine the pain and the suffering you have been through, but your story shares the silent realities other women face and it truly reminds us all how much of a privilege bearing children is! How our bodies truly can amaze us at times. I’m glad you finally finished getting this out. not just for yourself, but for others as well. Hope the best for you and your family as you continue to endure and grow!

    • February 28, 2017 / 2:12 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words <3

  49. February 28, 2017 / 7:40 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to write this. So many women have stories of loss. I hope that they can be as brave as you and share their stories to help break the silence and heal. Hugs to you ❤

    • March 1, 2017 / 6:38 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words! <3

  50. February 28, 2017 / 9:35 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. Your pain as a woman and as I Mother is felt.

    • March 1, 2017 / 6:38 am

      Thank you!

  51. February 28, 2017 / 9:49 pm

    Blessings upon you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing this difficult post.

    • March 1, 2017 / 6:38 am

      Thank you for reading Robyn <3

    • March 19, 2017 / 12:22 am

      Thank you for sharing this story. You are one special woman. May God Bless you and your family.

  52. February 28, 2017 / 10:17 pm

    You are amazing! So strong and such an inspiration!

    • March 1, 2017 / 6:37 am

      Thank you <3

  53. March 1, 2017 / 12:38 pm

    I am so very sorry for your losses, and words can’t begin to describe how much admiration and respect I have for you for sharing your story. I don’t understand your pain specifically, but I do understand the difficulty of telling painful tales. I’m so happy that your rainbow baby arrived, and I wish you and your family the brightest of futures.

    • March 2, 2017 / 7:26 am

      Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and share this with me 🙂

  54. March 1, 2017 / 1:09 pm

    I could feel how hard it must have been to write this as I was reading, I can’t begin to imagine what it must have felt like to go through all that and you’re so brave for posting this. But I bet this will help someone somewhere who has been or is going through a similar ordeal.

    • March 2, 2017 / 7:25 am

      thank YOU for reading 🙂

  55. March 1, 2017 / 2:22 pm

    I was struck by your story of tremendous loss and at such a great price. I am very sorry for your losses.

    Your post was so well written. Thank you for sharing. At times I have clung to pain that was searing, almost afraid to share it. Seems like an odd way to deal with loss, but that is what I did. Later I learned that when we share our loss/grief/pain, we, in some odd way, release it to the universe and therefore allow others to hold it for us – – even if we do not know them personally. Sometimes we NEED help holding our pain. Sometimes it becomes too great to bear and we need a break.

    What joy your Margs has brought to you and your husband. Family is everything and when we hope for children, and are given that privilege, we are indeed blessed beyond imagination.

    • March 2, 2017 / 7:24 am

      This is so very true. Thank you so very much for sharing this and taking the time to read <3

  56. March 1, 2017 / 3:47 pm

    Terrible and Beautiful to read all at the same time. Thanks for sharing such a emotionally challenging story. I can only imagine the 67 days and the rereads that probably tore at your emotions every time.

    • March 2, 2017 / 7:22 am

      Thank you for your kind words! 🙂

  57. March 1, 2017 / 8:00 pm

    What a miracle Margs is!!!! You are so strong, Jenny. <3

    • March 2, 2017 / 7:19 am

      Thank you <3

  58. March 2, 2017 / 5:03 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how hard it was trying to put those words onto paper. You are an inspiraton and a reminder to others of how strong the human spirit can be. Much love to you, Mer and your miracle Margs! x

    • March 2, 2017 / 7:17 am

      Thank you for reading! <3

  59. March 2, 2017 / 8:48 am

    Wow. I can’t even begin to imagine the emotions that went into writing this blog. My heart hurts for the loss of your little ones and smiles for the hope found in Marg. Great post! Thanks for sharing something so real and personal!

    • March 2, 2017 / 8:50 am

      Thank YOU for reading Kimberly!

  60. March 2, 2017 / 11:17 am

    Thank you for posting your story. I know personally how hard it is to write about this heartache. Love to you and your family. <3

    • March 3, 2017 / 6:06 am

      Thank you for reading!

  61. March 2, 2017 / 4:44 pm

    Thank you for sharing such a personal story of loss and then hope.

    • March 3, 2017 / 6:05 am

      Thank you for reading Terri.

  62. March 2, 2017 / 7:15 pm

    Your post is a moving account of motherhood. Thank you so much for sharing. I can’t imagine how hard it was to write all of that.

    • March 3, 2017 / 6:02 am

      Thank you for reading 🙂

  63. March 3, 2017 / 3:47 am

    That’s so brutal, but I think you expressed this difficult situation beautifully. I’m so happy you’ve had something good come from such pain. Good luck

    • March 3, 2017 / 5:58 am

      Thank you for taking the time to read!

  64. March 3, 2017 / 12:45 pm

    On random days, I think about the loss of my little angels and wonder, ‘why me?’ Then, I hold my 1 year old and say, ‘thank you, God!’ I still mourn my losses and reading your story has made me feel less alone. I have never truly shared my story…and I doubt I am willing to relive it. So, I thank you sincerely for finding the strength to start and selflessly telling it to the end. It has made a difference. You have made a difference.

    • March 3, 2017 / 12:58 pm

      I’m sorry for your losses.

      I think about it often too.

      Thank you for reading.

  65. March 5, 2017 / 5:03 pm

    Dear Jenny, I was very moved by your blog on the struggles and sorrows that brought you to the birth of your little girl. Rather than take up a lot of space on your site I just posted a short story that I wrote years and years ago as I struggled through the devastation of the loss of my first baby. If you have time check it out on MyLittleBird123.

    • March 5, 2017 / 6:12 pm

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m heading over to read <3

    • March 5, 2017 / 6:13 pm

      I can’t seem to find it. Can you link to it?

  66. March 5, 2017 / 6:49 pm

    Wow your story is so powerful! Your a very brave woman, and thank you for sharing your story. x

    • March 5, 2017 / 7:13 pm

      Thank you for taking the time to read.

  67. March 5, 2017 / 10:58 pm

    Thank you for sharing this and for loving all your little ones so much. Your strength is incredible.

    • March 6, 2017 / 6:15 am

      Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to read <3

  68. March 6, 2017 / 4:00 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing, this is not spoken of enough

    • March 9, 2017 / 8:46 am

      Thank you for reading!

  69. March 7, 2017 / 12:12 pm

    You are a very BRAVE person. Thanks for sharing this. Its not easy. My good wishes are with ur family. Great going.

    • March 9, 2017 / 8:45 am

      Thank you for reading!

  70. March 7, 2017 / 7:01 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. May God richly bless your family.

    • March 9, 2017 / 8:44 am

      Thank you!

  71. March 8, 2017 / 4:33 pm

    You are s brave and amazing for putting this there for us. You are such an inspiration right now. God bless you abundantly.

    • March 9, 2017 / 8:40 am

      Thank you for reading <3

    • March 9, 2017 / 8:38 am

      Thank you <3

  72. March 9, 2017 / 3:21 am

    I’m glad that in the end it worked out happily for you! You have your angel now and that’s all that matters, after all. I do know how it is to loose a baby, I had a miscarriage in October 2014. I still remember every single detail, the exact date, hour, feelings, everything… the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was devastated. My gynecologist adviced to wait two months before trying again. And so we did. Three months later we found out we were pregnant, and our baby was born. I’m so blessed and happy I have him. And nevertheless sometimes I still think of that baby, would it be a girl a boy… thank you for sharing ❤️

    • March 9, 2017 / 8:37 am

      We never forget. <3

    • March 9, 2017 / 3:32 pm

      Thank you for sharing!

    • March 10, 2017 / 8:00 am

      Thank YOU for reading <3

      • March 10, 2017 / 8:05 am

        I read and then I followed. God bless you and your family. ❤

        • March 10, 2017 / 5:08 pm

          <3

  73. March 9, 2017 / 10:51 pm

    Thank for writing this. I really do thank you.

    • March 10, 2017 / 8:00 am

      Thank YOU for reading!

  74. March 13, 2017 / 8:31 am

    Such a touching story, I know it is difficult to share such intimate details of your life but writing about it definitely helps you move on. Have a wonderful life with your beautiful family.

    • March 13, 2017 / 6:56 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words <3

  75. March 13, 2017 / 3:39 pm

    God bless you and yours, Jenny! Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt post. Your experiences will help others to keep the faith through the darkest of times.

    • March 13, 2017 / 6:49 pm

      Thank you <3

  76. March 14, 2017 / 6:53 am

    Amazing. I had a stillbirth at 38weeks two yrs ago and it tore me up inside. I now have a five month old and his pregnancy was tough. I,however, I’ve never read or heard a more powerful story of this journey of motherhood. It’s remarkable how far you’ve come. Thank you for sharing your story is all I can say.

    • March 14, 2017 / 7:13 am

      I’m so sorry for your loss but so glad you’ve met your rainbow! Thank YOU for reading <3

  77. March 14, 2017 / 8:31 am

    You’re a strong woman ❤ I wish you and your family all the best xxx

    • March 14, 2017 / 9:42 am

      Thank you so so much! <3

  78. March 14, 2017 / 12:29 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. You area courageous woman. I’m glad we connected.

    • March 14, 2017 / 12:30 pm

      Thank YOU for taking the time to read!

  79. March 17, 2017 / 8:33 am

    Reblogged this on Just A Little Something and commented:
    I follow this Blogger and have found her posts to be so honest and pure. This post in particular is about their journey through loss and new life with a rainbow baby. Having people in our family who have experienced this pain and sadness, I hope they, and others find some comfort, and know that someone else truly understands what your going through. ‘Just A Little Something’ I thought I would pass on.

    • March 17, 2017 / 8:35 am

      ❤️

  80. March 18, 2017 / 6:56 am

    Wow. Thank you for sharing. My sister went through something similar and I saw her fear and tears as we raced to the hospital and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Gosh, I felt this post. Thank you.

  81. March 18, 2017 / 11:32 am

    Bravo LADY!!

  82. March 19, 2017 / 4:54 am

    First of all, well done for writing such a difficult and tragic true story. You are such a brave, strong lady and I’m so happy you got to bring your baby home in the end. You were so brave to keep trying and I felt every ounce of pain in your words. Bless those little ones you lost and I’m sorry you have been through that process of loss over and over. Thank you for sharing and I wish you. And your family a truly happy life together xxx

  83. March 20, 2017 / 4:13 pm

    Good golly, Miss Molly. What a story, what a mom and dad! and what a blessing, little Marg. Thanks for stopping by LivingCenter and “liking” Measureable Difference. All the best to you and your family…xoxox

    • March 21, 2017 / 7:42 am

      Thank you Nancy!

  84. March 21, 2017 / 2:57 pm

    in the last three years my sister has lost two kids, one when he was 3 days old and the other when he was one year old…. I have not known such devastation in a woman. we carried her literally in prayers. she is pregnant with a girl. we are very hopeful. thank you for sharing your story….you are the true bible to the man who says there is no God

    • March 21, 2017 / 3:18 pm

      I’m so incredibly sorry for her losses. Hoping and sending good vibes her way.

  85. March 22, 2017 / 2:57 am

    GOD Bless!

    Can relate to the emotional pain, while writing about the traumatizing experiences of life, a sea of emotions forcing its way as tears, blur the eyes and you try hard to contain them. But invariably they overflow, it takes a lot of courage to continue writing.

    Thanks!

    • March 23, 2017 / 8:23 am

      Thank YOU for reading!

  86. March 22, 2017 / 2:46 pm

    Echoing A BELIEVER!…such courage. Thanks for being a shining example of putting yourself out there. Best of luck, Jenny.

    • March 23, 2017 / 7:22 am

      Thank YOU for reading.

  87. March 23, 2017 / 11:39 am

    Wow. This was intense and heartbreaking. You are one strong human. Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I are currently trying and I am constantly thinking about the “what ifs”. Although that may not be healthy, I think I need to be prepared for anything. Many blessings to you and your family.

    • March 23, 2017 / 3:46 pm

      I’m really a statistic so please do not worry yourself with the what ifs. Having said that I’ve learned (maybe the hard way) that TTC and pregnancy is really out of your control despite best efforts. Just take it one day at a time.

      best of luck to you!

  88. March 24, 2017 / 6:14 pm

    Very powerful story. You set everything aside and placed your intention and love on your unborn child and made manifest her birth. Congratulations. She picked you as much as you picked her. Cherish this bond for eternity.

    • March 24, 2017 / 8:25 pm

      Thank YOU for reading Kamal

  89. March 24, 2017 / 8:48 pm

    Jenny, thanking for sharing your story. I can only imagine the pain and difficulty to write it down but at the same time it’s a release and inspiration to others who have gone through similar situations. Let’s them know that they aren’t alone. Blessings and best luck to you and your family.

    • March 25, 2017 / 3:08 pm

      Thank you so much for reading!

  90. March 25, 2017 / 12:16 pm

    Such a moving, brave posting. Thank you Jenny. I understand why it took so long to write.

    • March 25, 2017 / 3:06 pm

      Thank you for reading Martin!

  91. March 25, 2017 / 3:20 pm

    I feel helpless. I wish I could have stopped you and others from going through so much pain.

    All the best to you.

  92. March 26, 2017 / 3:05 pm

    Although painful, thank you for sharing your courageous story. I remember listening to a woman who had an NDE.. when she arrived in heaven there was her Grandmother holding the baby she had lost.. she was told to allow her heart to heal, that they were both in peace and joy.. it was very touching..

  93. March 27, 2017 / 11:01 am

    Thank you so very much for sharing this part of your world with us. Having had 2 very early miscarriages, I can relate – but not to the depth of where you have been and are. I pray God brings you to a place of closure, and blesses you.

    • March 27, 2017 / 3:21 pm

      I’m so sorry for your losses. <3

  94. March 27, 2017 / 6:39 pm

    This was very sad to read. My first grandchild was full term stillborn and even though it will be 30 years next month, it is still very sad. My heart breaks for my daughter, who eventually had two healthy daughters after several other pregnancies. I am so happy that you have a healthy daughter now and I know you and her Dad enjoy every moment while still grieving over those precious babies that were lost. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • March 27, 2017 / 6:45 pm

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Time heals but I guess we never forget.

  95. March 28, 2017 / 8:48 am

    What a heartbreaking story, bravely told. I totally agree, Jenny, about the power of words. All the best to you and your family

    • March 28, 2017 / 7:28 pm

      Thank you for reading Sara!

  96. March 30, 2017 / 7:42 am

    You are a Queen for sharing your story. I have not experienced this kind of loss but I know many amazing women who have. Your courage is amazing. 👑💖

    • March 30, 2017 / 9:12 am

      Thank you kindly for reading <3

  97. March 31, 2017 / 10:24 pm

    So sorry for all your losses. Thanks for sharing your story. I had two mid-term miscarriages and I remember how devastating it was when they happened. But I do have eight children (all grown up now). One miscarriage occurred before any kids and one between the 5 girls and the 3 boys. A miscarriage is so hard even when you have other kids. (((HUGS)))

    • April 1, 2017 / 6:51 am

      Thank you for your kind words Dorothy. I’m so sorry for your losses <3

  98. April 4, 2017 / 12:44 am

    Sorry for your all losses my friend, All the best for you and your family..

    • April 4, 2017 / 8:08 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading 🙂