Recently, Margs came down with her first full fledged virus. You know, leaky nose, cough, fever, staying up all night because she couldn’t sleep bug – this is motherhood I thought to myself as I rocked her back to sleep for the 6th time that night. Turns out, baby girl was dealing with hand, foot and mouth disease and was incredibly uncomfortable because of sores in her mouth and under her feet. I looked at this tiny little girl and I remembered all those sleepless nights of her infancy and a twinge of guilt came over me.
How many times did I wish time away? Countless times.
How many times did I will time away and hope she’d age and grow out of her neediness? More times than I can count.
This is motherhood isn’t it? When things are tough we tend to wish time away – hoping for times where baby needs us less so we can get our coveted sleep. Then, brief moments like rocking your sick child snap you back to reality and you realize that a time will come when they wont need us anymore. What then? I’ll miss those moments I’m sure.
Motherhood is such a complex journey isn’t it? In some ways I feel like I’ve been on autopilot cruising first through her infancy and now into toddler-hood. I stand here now and look back on her early days and question if I truly savored every single moment. Is it even possible to do so when you are so deprived of sleep?
We savor what we can while we simply try to survive, am I right?
Motherhood is mostly about unconditional love, partly about survival and often about doing our best when faced with uncertain and utterly exhausting new situations.
The days are so incredibly long aren’t they? A sick child makes every 24 hour period feel like an eternity while the years seem like they fly by in an instant. It seems that suddenly, I have a nearly 17 month old toddler who climbs, jumps, sings and calls out to me when she wants my undivided attention.
In some respects I’m not sure how we’ve managed to get here. How did we make it through months and months of little to no sleep? How did we manage? I suppose the easiest way to answer this question is to admit that we accepted that this tiny girl will only be little once. We’ll eventually get to a point in our lives where we’ll crave her neediness and have to accept that she’s a grown child who doesn’t need to be rocked for comfort anymore.
Until then, the days and nights will surely be long but I’m trying to savor these moments because I know that this tiny miracle will not be little forever.
How do you savor the moments? Have you caught yourself wishing time away?