I see you momma. I see you dreading Mother’s day. I see you feeling anxiety about how the day will treat you. I see the apprehension, the fear, the guilt, the sadness that comes from a day that most mums celebrate and enjoy. I was you momma and on this Mother’s day I’ll think of you often and remember your little ones that were taken far too soon. It’s all those little things that make this day unbearable right? Like heading out for breakfast and being asked if you’re a mum? Or, heading to church where all the mums are recognized and asked to stand. I’ve been there and I know the gut wrenching dread that comes from these experiences. My heart breaks for you momma because I know all too well how hard this day can be. Be kind to yourself momma. You’ve experienced an unbelievably heart breaking loss…

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When Margs was born I felt like it was the first time I could really breathe in a long long time. I spent my whole pregnancy holding my breath and crossing my fingers for just one more day, one more week and one more month. By some miracle my cerclage kept me pregnant and we welcomed a 40 week (!!!!!!!) miracle into the world on her due date. I spent so much time focused on getting her here that I never considered what being a stay at home parent would be like- I didn’t care really, my only focus was getting that precious baby here alive. 15 months later I’m reflecting on being a stay at home mom and I’m realizing that I don’t necessarily love it all of the time. I wish I did, but, I just don’t. Actually, there are days that I’m angry and resentful and frustrated…

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I turned 35 yesterday. It was a day just like any other spent loving on Margs and enjoying time with my husband. We had a few friends and their children over for dinner and ate good food and shared many laughs – what better way to spend the day. When I was in therapy after losing  the girls my therapist helped me work through my constant need to go over the should haves and could haves. It was a process and although I’m much better about it, it does creep up on me. Especially on birthdays where my mind wanders to where I am and where I could have been instead. She’d ask me to live in the moment – she’d ask me to make lists – she’d ask me to jot down reasons I was grateful to help me remember or acknowledge how great the present really is. So,…

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Me at 22 weeks. Day 54 of bedrest. When Mer and I embarked on our journey to start a family way back in 2012 we never imagined where that road would take us. We naively thought that every pregnancy led to a take home baby and that pregnancy complications were rare – so rare in fact, that we’d never be affected. Sadly, we we became a statistic and were faced with cervical incompetence, repeat pregnancy loss, a uterine septum and then some strange form of secondary infertility that was never explained. When we finally got pregnant again in 2015 the plan was simple: cervical cerclage at 14 weeks and strict home bed rest for 23 weeks with the threat of hospitalization if I didn’t follow the rules. My doctor was intense; she was on a mission to get my rainbow here full-term and so her plan was more conservative than…

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Today is Margs’ first birthday. She’s 365 days old. I’m still not entirely sure how this past year has passed so quickly but I do know that she has changed our lives in so many beautiful ways. She restored love in our life and relationship. She is the reason we smile everyday and count each and every one of our blessings. She is the reason we’ve been able to find happiness again. Margs is our miracle baby. She was born after I’d experienced a still birth and 2 miscarriages totalling 5 angel babies that we never got the opportunity to take home. Two of my lost pregnancies were twins. She came after 4 years of battling infertility, dealing with a hemorrhage that nearly cost me my life, and multiple surgeries to correct my uterus that was misshapen and not conducive to growing a baby. I was told I had a…

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